Ok so…I’d never seen the video for this song before I looked it up to post here. I’ll admit, it’s cute. But aside from the sweet visual representation and the catchy beat, I have to give a big, fat “WTF.” Yes that’s right. I have issues with this song that everyone else seems to adore. Please allow me to plead my case as you involuntarily bounce to the deceptively happy ditty above.

First of all, the situation here is pretty clear: this guy is out drinking while his lady sits at home. My Army guy would beg to differ, but IMO…not cool. If he’s out drinking, I want to be right by his side taking fireball shots too. And if it’s a guys’ night, you’d better believe that I’m finding some girls to make a night of it, myself. Screw sitting my ass at home alone!

Don’t get me wrong, I do know women who have no interest in going out to the bar with their guy, and savor the evenings they get to spend catching up on their reading and correspondence (i.e. scrolling Facebook and binge watching House Hunters on Netflix in peace), working on personal development (i.e. a long warm bath with a bottle of wine), or just some quiet contemplation (i.e. ONLINE SHOPPING).  However, I’m sure that even the most independent woman would be somewhat perturbed to find out that her guy was responding to THOTs in the bar with the following…

It’s been a long night here, and a long night there
And these long long legs are damn near everywhere
You look good, I will not lie […]

…EXCUSE ME? Hows about we keep those sorts of thoughts to ourselves and refrain from encouraging unwanted affections, mkay? Protip: when interacting with the opposite sex, if you wouldn’t say it to the person with your significant other standing right there, probably best not to say it at all.

I got somebody at home,
And if I stay I might not leave alone

If there is an amount of alcohol that would make you cheat on your partner (who–at this point–I can only assume is home pining away and baking you delicious bacon-wrapped chocolate chip cookies from scratch, you bastard), then maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at all. Or in that relationship. This fucking guy.

I got her, and she got me
And you’ve got that ass, but I kindly
Gotta be like oh, baby, no, baby, you got me all wrong, baby
My baby’s already got all of my love

Wow. Maybe stop sending this bar chick mixed signals. Believe me, an intoxicated woman in a bar is not hearing any of your protests and proclamations of love to your lady at home. All this drunk chick hears is you calling her “baby,” and that you like her legs and her ass. Seriously, it’s a combination of alcohol and selective hearing.

I will stay true

I can’t decide if this is bar dude trying to end this mess on an honorable note, or if he’s just repeating it to himself one final time in a feeble attempt to stop his hand from reaching for the fly of his pants before claiming that he fell onto this woman and it was an accident and it’s totally not what you think. Bleh.

P.S. And how the hell is this song appropriate for a Disney Channel show that my six-year-old daughter watches?